CHSPE! Totally easier that GED testing... My friend was telling me about it today. It only has two sections; english and math. Thats much better :D Im going to sign up for it and be reviewing all that shittt.
Mathematics Section:
Dividing Fractions Equilateral Triangle Real Numbers Order of Operations Corresponding Angles Adding Decimals Exponent Powers Basics of Factors Obtuse triangle Irrational Numbers Area Calculations Percentages Slope Formula Ratios Perimeter Calculations Intercept Multiplying Fractions Complex Numbers Measurement English-Language Arts Section:
Drawing Conclusions Comparisons and Contrasts Contextual Clues Predictions Vocabulary Commas Appositive Semicolon Sentence Fragment Dashes Conjunctive Adverbs Quotation Marks Independent Clause Adjective Phrases Equal Comparisons Conjunctions Noun Phrases Parts of Speech Pronoun Linking Verbs Intransitive Verbs Auxiliary Verbs Capitalization Rules Parallelism Negation Word Usage
So yeah I have till march :D And then I can apply to FIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but im still waiting for that anyways. Ill prolly go after this coming semester if possible. And also if I pass. Which i hope and am sure I will if i study hard.
That I spend alone these past few weeks. I learn more and more. And continue to grow. I realize more and more how much I dislike most of the people around me. How much I need and want to change. How much better I am then I let my self to believe. How I am a good person. I have good morals. I have a good head on my shoulders. And through comparing myself to people that are doing much better all the time, I'm just kidding myself. You can not compare my with anyone because I have a different path. No one has lived my situation. Because everyone's life is different. But I believe I still have a lot of growing to do. I will become even better than I am right now. I will not wait anymore for anyone. I will not put others first anymore. I know who matters to me in my life and I will continue to have them in my life and be the best I can for them. But I am not a floor mat. I am not as lowly as I think. Others hold me in high regard. I am a talented individual. So fuck you world. I don't give a shit what anyone thinks about me because it will not effect my life in any way. I am the one who sees my life through. And I will direct my own life. I am not an extra. I am the main character. And I need to put my life in perspective. Sure I'm not a rich man with everything that I want. But I am only 22. I have time to learn and grow and become whatever I want to be. Faith - act upon what you believe. To have faith in myself is the only thing I need. And to act upon it. I do not need anyone's negative input on this. And most likely will be ignored.
I hope I have enough time today after work! I have to head over to stuarts because I think I forgot the recipe for the lasagna... Then I have to pick up youmee. But I really wanted to go home and clean up a little.. And also set up the dinner table.. but she wants me to pick her up at 2:00... and I get off 1:30. @___@
I dont want to make her wait but at the same time I want to prepare everything first. *sigh* I just hope I dont mess up dinner as well haha. But im pretty good at cooking anyways...Im sure ill do fine. I just dont know what else to make besides lasagna. Even though all the signs point to yes, im still not sure if youmee likes me or not. Which is probablly just me being stupid and not being able to notice. But lately its been becoming more and more obvious. It just hard for me to not think that she is just playing with me. I alawys have that problem it seems... For some reason its hard for me to belive that someone likes me no matter what they do. But in this case its pretty hard to tell..
I really need to get over being negative! Ugh It makes me sick... But I had a talk with Merhawit and she made me feel alot better. She is such a smart girl.. I know that thinking negative just pushes me into negative situations. If you are thinking negative all the time, you will notice all the negative things in any givin situation. So I need to train myself to see the positive outlooks on everything. I need to study hard and pratice for my GED testing. I am smart enough to pass this test but I get so discouraged when taking the practice exam. I get so frustrated when taking test. Its hard for me to focus and find the equation in some math problems. Mostly the questions like "If billy paints a house in 4 hour, and sally paints it in 6 how many hours can they paint the house together?" Those type of questions just make me lose concentration and I stumble on my own thoughts and cant think of the equation to solve the problem. Which is really stupid.. I really just need to brush up on everything because I have been out of school for 6 years. I havent even used any problem solving shit in forever... And it makes me feel like I will not be able to do it because it has been so long. Even though I know it is easy.. I know if i sit there and think about it I will remember it all. But I let myself give up too easy. But I can not give up because this is important to me! I really want to continue my schooling! When I did attend the adult school they were really impressed with my work. But what is getting to me is that its so many subjects that overwhelms me! And since I have been out of school for so long I am just so unsure of my answers... Even though I have made the correct choice on the practice test, being unsure I tend to solve the problem then question myself and almost choose a different one just because I do not trust myself. But I need to be confident. *Sigh* Wish me luck!
What is wrong with me! I slept in for work!!! Argh.. I was having a crazy crazy dream though. I have had it before but this time I changed it? How odd... I got caught in a flood in my car in santee of all places. Then dove out and body rode a wave (a huge one!). All while I was on my way to work? Which didn't happen last time, but there was a flood. Then I decided to take the day off since my car was gone and I could not get to work. Then I started to walk around where the huge flood was and for some reason walked to this school and went up to this girl and asked her to ditch school and come with me. So for some reason she said yes and I took her to her parents house (it was more like i was watching someone because I didn't know what I was doing). At her parents house her mom was really mad at her because I guess she had run away. And she was mad at her for talking to me? But then glad i brought her home?? And then they decided they were moving and got in a fight and the girl was like no I love will! I was just standing there watching the whole thing being really confused. Then after all that I went to see if my car was there after the flood, which it was not. I was actually kind of glad that it was not there. I then went to see this old Chinese lady.. She had this really cool looking Chinese style house turned into a car lot lol. They had really weird cars there.. I talked to her assistant and asked about the house because I remembered it before. But I did not realize it was in a dream i had at the time. Last time i do not think I met the lady that owned the house... but anyways the house It seemed used to be a bank haha. It was really nice and for some reason it was covered in cats. The assistant told me that the cats were good luck and that they did crazy things but only when no one was a around. Which later on I saw a cat floating. I pulled out my Nikon from my friends car to take a picture but as soon as i got it the cat laid back down. It almost looked like my old cat that died Sylvester... So anyways I found a car I wanted and went inside. I met a gay Asian guy who was the land owners son. He was pretty cool and told me all sorts of interesting things. He had a bf who was his secret bf because he had a gf but didn't have the heart to tell her he was gay. He told me the whole story.. So also it turns out the old lady that owned the place, her name was Jasmine. I cant however remember the name of the other peoples names. I just remember the house like crazy... It was really cool. I swear that has to be a different dimension? hahah...anyways that's not full detail of the dream but that's a pretty good description of what happened. I just woke up so that's how i remember it.
Im still not too sure who the girl was that i took to her house, I can remember a little bit of her face but not too much.
OK so tonight was amazing! And I just need to think positive and not think about the bad things! So on that note I am going to sleep, i have to get up at 4:30. Good night I love you.
The whole past week I stayed at Stu's house. Just me and him, and then his brother with his family came over. I pretty much had a mini vacation. I love being at Stuart's house. I feel much more at home there than anywhere else. And I do look up to his parents. He really has a wholesome family. They have such a good Christmas, with all their family and everyone opening well thought out gifts. More practical gifts as well as personal. It good that they actually communicate. Stuart got some clothes, and it was actually Buckle! Psh my parents would have got me like wall mart shit. But hey my parents would not have known anything about me. I almost was jealous of them, but really I cant do anything about it and there is no reason to be jealous. I can make my life better later. Just right now it wont be so great. I just have to stay positive and stop thinking about all the things that bug me.
I am so sick of my house. I do not want to be in it anymore. It is so lonely.. No one ever comes out of their rooms besides Jeremy... And yeah.. I do not want to hang out with him. I do not want to be around someone who talks down to foreign people, and totally uses everyone in his life. No thank you. I cant be like that, nor be around that. Its like he thinks life is a game, and that peoples hearts are nothing. He is 27 and has not even put his life in perspective. Still renting a room in a really crappy house, and a bad job. He is totally fine with it... When I am that age I hope I will be in a better situation than that.
Well I don't really feel like writing too much today even though I have a lot to say. But here is some music I have been working on. Its pretty funny that one is metal and the other is.... whatever. Its just the first verse.. I need to re sing it because I messed up some notes but it was only the second take. I wrote the melody and chords to match with some lyrics in like 5 minutes. Then I sang it two times and called it a night and went to sleep. Oh on other news I got asked to sing for a band but, I don't know if I have a strong enough voice yet? Oh well we will find out. I think its kind of weird that people tell me they like my singing and my voice..
Oh on a short note, Stuart and I hung out with Julie yesterday, we just talked and ate dinner then went to get coffee. I had a lot of fun, it reminded me of old times haha. Well have a good day and here is the two songs.
I cant belive my work doesnt even give one extra day off for Christmas? It seems all they want is money money money. I wonder how much money they actually make after all the bills and paying us. Its probrablly alot.. seeing as how they all have nice cars and houses. Which sucks because all us workers have crap.
Man If I never have to say "This is william can I get you home phone number area code first please". Id be so happy. I feel like a freaking robot! I say the same thing ever day and its going to kill me I swear. I am an artist/musician and everytime I think of something, im at work, and by the time I get home I forget it or mess it up.
This is why I cant wait to go to school full time. Thats the only real way Ill get it done. I really want to try to go to FIT. It seems like a pretty good school, and I checked out all the classes for the major I want to do, and it seems pretty good. Not to mention I can afford it. At least im pretty sure I can.
The only thing is, is this for sure what I want to do? Im pretty possitive it is. I know its going to take alot of work and its not easy. But I really enjoy doing photography and Ive been told I have good composition. I really want to stand out and not just be another average photographer. Thats why I want into more mainstream photography. And of course I always thought being a fashion photographer was out of my leauge. But I realize that it is not.
I am kind of nervous about living in New York by myself, but im sure Ill get by. Its not like I havent lived on my own in a unknown city. But it is New York. Im a little nervous about on campus housing because they say its not garunteed. And also I have to apply every year, and apply for the summer and winter (and pay extra). That seems like a pain in the ass.. And if I have to get a loan then I really need to figure out exactly how much I will need to survive. Im pretty sure Ill be looking for a part time job out there. Prolly a desk or phone job if anyone will hire me haha. I just want a low stress job. My job currently kills my brain and me.
Man I really want to go to FIT and get a better grip on life.... A BA would be awsome, not to mention I could go overseas with one. I would love to be able to do photography overseas. That would be a dream come true. Well the only thing I can do is work hard to pay off my bills, and work on my photography portfolio to apply to FIT. Wish me luck nobody.(since no one reads this)
That hurts, but I guess its something I am used to. Its crazy how such good times can be let go and forgotten. Someone you think loves you doesn't. I knew it was not the truth and I guess that is why I ended it. But how quickly she moves around. At least I know I did not waste time now. And I knew something did not feel right.
I guess human loneliness can lead to stupid things. This I would know as well. Two lonely people do not make a good couple.. but I guess when you want someone you don't think about things like that. I am almost certain that I am going to be alone. I find it interesting that it can still hurt even when you know you do not want to be with someone and you see them move on. Its almost like because they do not want you anymore, you see yourself as being pushed down. Like your not good enough anymore. Although its so selfish to want someone to still like you..
Then there are those that you just cant let go even if they shove it down your throat, telling you that they despise you. The ones you cant have you love the most I suppose. I think the most important thing is to understand exactly what you want in a person. And this is the reason dating is important if you do not already know. Understanding human behavior is a large task, and choosing what you want can be complex. Everyone is so different, it is hard to find a perfect match. What habits bother you, type of style they have, music choices.. And every once in a while someone finds that perfect match, but it still takes time and doesnt happen right away. Thus the reason people date. On the other hand I could easily see that dating should be kept at a certian distance. I find that people who date and move fast into sex tend to be less content in the end when they decide to settle down. When you have sex with someone you share a deep connection, and its hard to let go of those more intimate memories. I think this has the potential to ruin your love life in the long run. When you have too many people that you have been you, you start to think about them when your with someone else. Grated even if you didnt have sex with a person you could still think about them, but it is far more innocent than thinking of intimacy with another person. I belive this is why I am very stern about sex with my partner. I would rather have not had sex at all then have sex with every walking hot girl in the world. I want to save all my loving for someone special. Or maybe I wont have anyone special. Sometimes I wonder If I will every find someone that I will want to spend my whole life with? Or did I meet someone that I could have spent it with and messed it up? Who knows, but god knows I have no chances in this life to retry anything. There is no reset, no extra life, no saves. Just a steady pace of living a life that no one understands. No true point that we know. With all our questions left answered only but unsure forms. What god is the correct one? OR is there a god? Do we just die? We have no proof to the masses of what is right. Individual experience concludes our own thesis of life. But not truth. We can go living our whole lives devoted to believing one thing, but when we die, we know not what lies ahead. I hope that when I die, I remain conscious as myself. I find life is too complex for me to just decay in the earth. A man can accomplish great things on earth just to die and become nothing but a story? I certainly hope not. But there is till that looming shadow of doubt in me. That I will become nothing.. That all my love, my words, my feelings were for nothing. That we are just creatures in this vast universe looking to understand this place, when there is nothing to understand. People get so caught up in this rat race, hating others, pushing people away, when there is such little time to live a life that we KNOW. I just want to live laugh and love for my whole life, and when I die know that I had a pleasing life. I do not want to die thinking of things I should have or shouldn't have done.
I don't mean to hurt others. I try to be a good human being. I try to love as much as I can. And yes I have made mistakes and hurt people that I would never have wanted to hurt. But life is a lesson. Unfortunately I cant retake some test. But I can learn from them. And if I do get a second chance at any of the things I have done wrong. I will put my all into them. For me its not a matter of how others see me, it is how I see myself. I want to be a good and loving person. I want to try my hardest to be better. I want to make something for myself. If I ever have children I want to teach them about the better side of life. Life is not about working hard just to have a home and eat, its about loving too. Love just as hard as you work. I have yet to meet many people in my life. But I love the friends I have made. I hope to make many friends in my path of life, and to keep them for a long time. When I am old and grey I may not have a lover, but I will have many loves to keep my company. I will not give up on the things I deem necessary for my life. My happiness is at stake, and I do not want to lose this battle to my own self. My friends, enemy's, and strangers, may you find happiness. I love you.
I saw seven pounds last night with youmee. It was a good movie, but then bad at the same time. The whole time it doesnt really reveal much of what is going on untill the end. It was a good movie but It seemed kind of dragged out and hand no action.. Will smiths part was so... Keanu? He was kind of rigid.. but then again thats how the part was supposed to be. It all made sense in the end but I did find myself getting bored. Youmee also got bored about an hour in. Something about the movie was just...so boring? All in all Id give it a 3.5 out of 5. The story is great, the acting is good, and the ending was good as well. But still the whole movie was on edge, and your waiting for something to happen, which it does but at the very end of the movie. It does bring some tears to your eyes if your a love sappy type of person. I didnt find myself moved to that extent, but youmee was crying alitle. So I would recomend it to a friend, because its a pretty good story. I think Will Smith really moved up in his movies. Just like I never thought Id see adam sandler play a serious role and do well, Will broke the ice. I havent seen alot of will smith movies lately.. but I think now Ill catch up.
I am going to try to get in FIT! (Fashion institute of technology) Either the Fall semester or 2010. I hope the fall semester but it depends on me paying my gay car off, or somehow keeping it.. But I think having a car in NY is a pain??? Ill be recording vocals again for TEN, Try to get better results at stuarts house, as well as do the other verse! And maybe finish the drums and the whole song.
Im over at stuarts house and im playing with his niece and nephew. They are so cute haha. I hope to have kids one day. They are so smart! Conor isnt that old but he can talk very well.
On the other hand I have alot of things on my mind this week. I really want to take a small vacation... Then later in the year I want to go to Taiwan and Hong Kong!
anxious
indescribable
hopeful